Amarahku

I wish life would be easy.
I wish life is a smooth ride. No bumpy rides.
I wish I am happy.
I wish I am in love. I wish i am loved by someone. I wish i'm capable of loving someone.
I wish people would like me. I wish people would admire me. I wish people would choose me.
I wish i have luck. I wish i have all the luck in the world in whatever that i do.
I wish people would fall in love with me. I wish people would completely mesmerized by me.
I wish i am not kecewa.
I wish i am not disappointed.
I wish i am contented.

Ah, Joie de Vivre (Joy of life)

This will be my new motto. To enjoy life as it is. No matter what comes. Celebrating the joyhood of life. Actually i was inspired to use the motto after watching Jessica Simpson's MTV Show 'The price of beauty'. The French people whom she met embraced the philosophy and enjoying every moments in their life. Perhaps I should too. Perasan nak jadi French lah pulak kan. Whatever!!! Memang lah life sucks. But i need to enjoy every bits of it.

My career sucks.... but I should be so lucky to have at least a job.
My lovelife sucks.... but I should feel lucky that my family especially my mum still loves me unconditionally.
My health sucks coz i've got tummy and my body is not so flattering at all with a lil bit of love handle. but i should feel fortunate that i still fine and have no major illness.

So, joie de vivre!

Chun Jung Myung

Star of Cinderella's Stepsisters!
I fell in love with him.
So cute.....

Bad (err... more like NO) romance!

This is not Lady GaGa's song 'Bad Romance' even if that song has been insanely playing on the radios and on telly. Enough of Gaga and her cuckoo-ness. Anyway, my posting today refers to the never ending tales of romance (if any) that ever occured to me. Well, my romantic life is pretty non existent. I am still pining for the very romantic notion just like any romantic movies. I'm pining to be loved, in love, and loving someone. I'm hoping for that moment to come. But to no avail.

What made me even pissed is that some people can easily find romance. My colleague told me yesterday that his uni friend has just came out to him over the weekend. My friend, A, was so shocked to hear that since that uni friend (let's name him C) is ever the religious type (very the ustaz type) or what A coined 'Budak surau'. C was so alim that A never think that C might be gay. Esp. considering the fact that C is actually not so good looking or in other words, 'ugly'.

To make it even worse, C is now in a uniform workforce here in Malaysia. A profession that every Malaysians is so proud of and well respected. And guess what, C is married to a girl (of course). And..... C has a boyfriend in the same workforce. Both are 'uniform men'. And they are both in love. Madly. Even worst, both are not handsome. What's happening to the world?

Even the butt ugly guys can find a boyfriend and soulmates.
What about me?
What about now?
Hearing his stories, I just wanna puke and made me wonder as to why I can't find love. Do i have the negative vybes that people prefer to stay away from? Or i juz have NO ROMANCE chop all over my forehead.. LOSER maybe...
I wonder....

What's wrong with me?

Actually i dunno what to write. Coz I just dunno what is wrong with me. I think i am luck-less. I'm just so unlucky with love. With my career. Here i am getting older as the day goes by. Not necessarily wiser. The world is so unfair sometimes to people like me. especially me. Some people can easily be loved, in love, with someone who is so sesuai, so padan, so MFEO (made for each other). A picture perfect couple of happiness.

I am surrounded with people i know and strangers with stories of their romance and otherwise handsome, drop dead gorgeous, other half. Am i jealous? Of course i am. Imagine that person is your friends. Your colleagues. Your staff. I can go insane thinking about it. Why not me? Am i so un-dateable? Do i have the ick factor that people dare not to approach me for more than sex? I'm just confused. Seriously confused. seriously. seriously.

I am FUGLY (not FUGLEE) !

Yup. I am proud to say that I am fugly i.e. fucking ugly. At least some guy told me that. What would ur reaction be if someone said to your face that you are? He didn't say to my face but the body language said it all. One thing for sure i love GLEE. Fucking love GLee so much (FUGLEE). It's a reality check. I always know that I am not the hunkiest bunch neither the cutest bunch. I kinda accept the fact that i am ugly.

Can a fugly person be happy? I doubt it. Take me for example. Being a fugly that I am, life is so hard. I'm living thru sadness, downs, the lows, the rejections, the humiliations. Yet i am surviving. Never content. Never fully happy. Never equipped. I'm so 'luluh' rite now. I'm mentally drained with all the lies, the hypocrisy, the constant rejection. But i keep bouncing back. Hoping that i will no longer be deemed as not fugly in someone's eyes.

After all, we are only human. Human with imperfections. Human with flaws. Human with needs. Human with desires. Human with the wanting to love and be loved. I'm not sure whether a fugly deserves a happiness. But one thing for certain, everyone wants to be happy in their life or at any point in their life. I wanna see the light of day as to when will that ray of happiness lights up my otherwise gloomy days.

Dating game... are u game for it?

Dating is so unpredictable. Just like life. So Forrest said 'Life is like a box of chocolate, you will never know what you gonna get.' I went out for a few dates lately. I'm not sure whether the date went out perfect or otherwise. But one thing for certain, my first date with anyone lately is and will always be the last. It's like the world is not siding me again. Maybe the cupid stroke other persons instead of me.

Did I give my date a bad vibe? Are there signals that I didn't see that my date see? Or was it a case of love is so NOT at first sight for me? Did i reveal too much during the date? Have i been so direct and 'in your face' kinda attitude that put my date off? Did i speak too much? Or too little? Or could it be that i' FUGLY to his liking? Or did i have no personality (reminiscing Tyra's during elimination for those ANTM contestant whom she thought lacked personality)? Seriously Tyra, as if you have a good personality.

I'm just puzzled. I had three date since my birthday, 23 Apr 2010. On 26th Apr with H. On 3rd May with K. On 4th May with A. Entahlah. Sometimes benda2 mcm ni you can't expect much. You never know what people think about you. How they judge you etc? Did i bother? I don't. But i'm just wondering. It could be a matter of taste. Or looks? Or personality? or all the above? At 36, i'm still NOT GAME for dating. Or maybe he's just not that into me... God knows.....

I'm 36 and alone....

Last Friday, 23rd April was my birthday. I turn 36. OMG!. I'm so freaking alone. I'm 36 and alone. I'm not dating anyone exclusively. I wasn't even being invited to go out on a date. Can u believe this? People dun even ask me out. What's wrong with me? Am I so into myself that people scared to ask me out? or am i too choosy? What would u do if u were 36, gay, alone, single?

I'm talking about alone, ALONE.

Apa khabarku di sini?

It's been more than a month since my last post. Apa khabarku di sini? One thing for certain, I'm still hanging here. Living life as it is. Shagging as usual. Well, i can't live without sex. It keeps me going. It keeps me sane. Thanks to Exx, Ax, Dxxx, Pelxxxx, Kxxx, Zazxxx, Rxx, Avxx, Haxx, Stevxx, Camxx, and Nixx - for keeping me sane. Hehehe.... U made my day. I had fun with all of you.

Went out on a date with a guy from Romeo, Ilxxx, at Bukit Bintang Area around 6ish on 3rd Apr. We had a good chat. Good conversation. But that's about it. He did contact me a few times after that. But he's just lost in oblivion (I think). he never contacted me since then. Well, that's how bad my dating life is. It's kinda hard to know whether you made a good impression on your first date. Will it lead to a second date? Will it lead to a disaster? Will it be the first and the last you will meet him?

I think more of the latter. But I never gave up. That's the beauty of being me. I never give up. Never give up in life. One thing that I will persevere is the desire to be rich. For that to happen, I have to be debt-free first. Then, setting up a small business maybe. Then i'll take it from there. I should also find a better paying job. There is never a short cut to wealth or being wealthy. Unless you are born filthy rich or born wealthy i.e. royal family, your dad or mum is Dato or Datin. Then, money is not an issue to you then. Unless some rich guy wants to have you as your boyfriend, then, life would be a fairytale then. Everyone is pining for the greatest gift in life.

Being wealthy doesn't necessarily make you happy. I just got back from Cambodia and I went to see this floating village at Tonle Sap lake. I saw poverty at its worst. Imagine having to live your whole life on a lake. rumah di atas air. That is your bed. Your shower. Your playground. Your kitchen. Your room. YOUR LIFE..... It made me sad a lil bit. I should be glad that we, Malaysians, don't have to go through that ordeal in our live.

It made me nourish and cherish every single bits of my life. Maybe, someday, I would like to see myself involve in charity work once I have reached my personal goal.

Happy!

Happy is a very wonderful thing that could happen to anyone. It makes one's life sparkling and full of joy. But are you really happy with your life? 100% sure. Am I happy? I think i'm happy but I'm not content. What the hell it means anyway? That means i'm not totally happy. I said I'm happy but essentially I'm not happy at all. It's really hard to content oneself. Everyone has their own way of sourcing for their happiness.

A friend of mine recently broke up with his bf. Both of them decided to call it quits after meeting the bf's parents. Normally, meet the parents implied a big step in any relationship. That means the parents somehow approved the relationship and not the other way around. That's kinda weird. It's supposed to be a first step towards any couple's happiness. Getting your ma and pa to approve your relationship.

Of course, my friend reacted pretty well at first with the break up. But i'm so shock that they decided to call it quit so soon. Such test of love should never be a hindrance if one were to persevere and have faith in the relationship. The thing with our society is that they still think leading a normal life would lead to everyone's happiness. It would make everyone happy.

Are they really happy? Do normal couple really happy? I beg to differ. If they are happy, why there are so many divorces now. If they are so happy, why do husbands and wives 'eat out' / makan luar? If they are so content with their normal life, why they neglect and abuse the kids? trust me, if you ask any married people now whether they are really happy with their life now, most of them would say maybe.

i dun care about their happiness or otherwise. i care about my own happiness. i wanna be happy. i want that kinda feeling when you are just contented with everything that you have. but i'm not. it's just so damned hard. I just wanna be happy!

Why it's so hard?

Why it is so hard to find a decent guy these days? I just need someone who is understanding. Not ultra or super sensitive or overly sensitive. Not a hunk (just an ordinary average joe will do). Not knowing what they want. Not a parasite. Not a money boy. Not materialistic. Why it's so hard to find these kind of guys these days? Do they not exist anymore? I'm just confused.

I began to know two guys lately. But we haven't met in person. Just sms chat and online chat. But what puzzled me is the fact that they seemed to be lovey dovey now and emotional even before we met. They are even jealous and cemburu tak tentu pasal for no apparent reason. Hello,,,, we haven't even met.. What were they thinking? Plus, they said, they are looking for friends. Since when friends can become jealous?

I just don't get these kind of people. I'm not as hot as they are. They can have all the hot guys if they want. I've been telling them the same thing. "You are hot. Why can't you date someone who is just as hot as you?"

Entahlah. I'm just confused right now. I am a man of principles,. I don't do long distance relationship. I won't declare until i know that person well enough. To declare as a couple not even before we meet in person is ridiculous. Utter foolishness. I need to meet the guy in person. Get to know him more in person and not just via sms chat and online chat. I will not take that risk. that's why i made it to clear to whomever on their intention or goal. I always ask them what they are looking for? Sex? Fun? Friend? LTR?

If they are looking for LTR, then i will get to know him and go out on a date etc. I can only declare if both of us feels that we have chemistry.

I'm a kinda straight forward person. At my age now, I don't want to waste my time for emotional roller coaster rides. That will just take my time off. At my age now, time is of essence. So, why it's so hard for me to find a decent, simple, average look guy, with no dramas, etc? Why it's so hard to find these kind of person?

Ada apa dengan Cheese?

Cheese? I'm not referring to cheese. But i'm referring to Chinese guys. Hehehe!!! Lately, I have the hots for Chi guys. I dunno why. Maybe it's a sign. Maybe 2010 is about changing my taste buds. Maybe i shud taste other food other than belacan. I shud try dim sum. Probably I shud try dating guys other than Malay guys. Especially since I got my hearts broken twice by 2 Malay guys (my 2 exes).

Of coz I did have sex with Chi guys before. And that's about it. Purely sexual. Nothing much. I should consider dating Chinese-looking Malay guys also. Yup. Why not? I surely made a lovely and unique couple especially since I look so brown and my partner looks so fair. As in F&B - fair and brown. Hehehe!!! Berangan lah pulak. So far, I have no prospects. No calon. The Chi guy whom I dated last week tu pun macam tak menjadi.

Well, I dunno why I like Chi guy. Probably the skin. Fair vs. Brown. Or probably because of the Muhibbah thing. Very 1 Malaysia ok. Or probably because of the commitment thing. My friend told me that Chi guys are more committed more than the Malays coz he did have a Chi bf before this. I dunno. Well, I just have to wait and see then. See who will be my new bf?

Only time will tell.

Haven't met him yet!!!

It's been a while since I went out on a date with a guy. Yesterday, I met a Chinese guy at KL Sentral. He's 38yo. Cute. Look young for his age. very fair. Stylo. About the same height as me. It felt awkward at first. But we managed to get along pretty well. But that's all about it. I guess that's the issues of every first date. You will never know whether the date would turn out great, good, or bad, or worst.


I am quite 'season' when it comes to dating. Having met a number of people on a date. But there's always expectation whenever you go out on a date. You expect the date to be perfect. But, in reality, most of the dates are not. far from perfect. I'm not sure how much longer I would be dating. Or be in this dating game. Am I too old for it? Maybe. Am I tired of doing it? Maybe not coz I'm the type of guy who always bounced back from any misadventures or any unfortunates.

I will be doing it. Until I have found him. For now, I haven't met him yet.

Aku bosan

It's been a while since my last post. Lama betul. My last post was in Nov 2009. What happened to me since then? Well, i'm still single and not necessarily sane. Have a lil bit of amnesia from time to time. Lost weight a lil bit. Date-less. What else? Not rich yet. still struggling with my life, my career, my love life. Still feel like a loser. Why i can't be like other people who have everything.

They have a wonderful and loving partner. They have a good career. I seem to be run out of luck. Even the ugliest of the fags can have a cute boyfriend, why can't I? Why????????????? My career seemed to be on a downhill. I have never been demotivated ever. My creative flairs are of no use. People hate me for being outspoken or at least giving a good idea. Takkan nak makan gaji buta?

I dunno what to do. I dun even have people asking me out for a date. Or even getting to know more about me. Or wanting to know me even more. Or even asking me out for a drink or coffee. All I get was sexual demands. More sexual demands. I'm not sick of sex. But too much sex would do me no good for finding a relationship. I can never have relationship with the regular shag buddies. It's just not in my book.

Aku bosan. I'm tired of this life that I am in. I'm afraid i will do drastic measure. I've been known to do unpredictable things. I dun want to do a stupid thing (s) just because I frustrated with life. God, help me please. Give me strength to face the challenges ahead. I'm just so mentally weak now that I can't think straight. I see life as nothing but against me.

Fly to nowhere!!!!!!!!!

Right now I'm feeling disillusioned. As if I were a bird and flying to nowhere. Restless. Destination-less. A flight to nowhere. It seems that my life has become so stale. so stagnant. so motionless. so static. so routine. so uncertain. so unsure. i dun even know what i want. what do i really want in life? i felt i have been wasting my life for something that is impossible. love. a gay love, that is.

well, i just cried while writing this post while listening to Agnes Monica's 'Teruskanlah'. why i can't be happy just like any other gays who are happily attached? i know this cinta is luar biasa. bukan cinta biasa. but i need to love and be loved. but i'm seem outta luck.

Not your average joe!

It's been a while since my last update kan. Anyway, bukannya busy sangat pun cuma tak ada masa or more appropriately, malas nak update blog. maybe i should create twitter instead. ada ke followers? I dun think so. more like a twitter yg syok sendiri. anyway, i'm still single as usual since my last update in August. with regular shags. dating. that keeps me going. and also i just got 2 nieces; alyah and dania. bestnya! dah lama tak ada anak buah perempuan.

for my lovelife, i masih baik dgn my ex. I'm not sure whether both of us have feelings for each other. but we still keep in touch. u even buka puasa sama dulu a few days before raya. then we jumpa for late night drinks. he went out with a model ok rite now (so he says lah). so who am i to compete. but i kinda bumped that he went out clubbing regularly. he even took drugs occasionally and drinking alcohols. so, i guess since i dun do all those things, we are so NOT getting back together.

speaking of model and hunks, this guy,Imran from tagged said hi to me and i remembered him so well since he is so cute. tall. fair. like a dream boat. of course we had sex when we met a few years back. too bad that he's got a bf already. but i wish he was my bf.

which brings me to the question. why can't an ordinary guy like me an average joe have a hunk as their bf? Why does a hunk have to be with a hunk too? susah kan. the world is not fair. kadang2 aku makan hati tengok gay couple yg sama hunky. why can't it happen to me? i'm not a typical average joe. i want the beautiful things in life too. i want a hunky bf too. but why no hunks want me?

Why?

Melilau 4

5 Aug
Jumpa Rita and Zalina, my ex colleagues kat MEPS dulu. Rita dah lama tak jumpa Zalina. So, that's why kitorang plan nak get together. best catching up ngn diorang. Even if short tapi best. tapi aku suspect Zalina ada krisis dgn Pita' dan Suzie. Coz everytime I asked her the question, dia mcm nak mengelak. True enuff. Memang diorang tak baik. Memang shocking tau. We'll talk about that later since I juz met Suzie and Pita' tadi (11 Aug).

6 Aug
Shag Boy. Dah lama tak main ngn Boy. main tengah malam tau. Hehehe! lepas main, ada kete block my car. nasib baik kete tu tak put hand brake. so, kena minta tlg Boy tolakkan. Sorry Boy. Cek cut kat muka boy. Hehehe!!!

7 Aug
Went to see R kat umah dia kat Tmn OUG. datang tengah malam tau. Sampai tersesat. padahal dekat aje umah dia ngn umah aku. dia putih tinggi. badan just nice. nice axx. dia tanya sama ada aku pegi gym ke coz tangan muscular tapi aku cakap aku tak pi. juz buat sit up and push up. itu aje. dia suruh aku jadi his fxxx buddy. aku cakap iya mcm acuh tak acuh. layan je. about 1 hour gak lah. reached home almost 2am. so, tido lambatlah gamaknya. btw, dia pakai red thong. ayooo. so sexy! aku siap cium thong dia.. fetish nampak.

8 Aug
Ada team building kat Putrajaya. The morning session was boring. The evening one was better since ada amazing race. quite physical. since dlm team tu, aku yg fit (perasan tau) so terpaksa buat all those physical activities. memang tiring. malam tu memang aku passed out. penat giler. terus telan panadol muscle and pain before tido awal ard kul 11.

9 Aug
Shag K from Sentul around 10am. Dah umah line clear coz my sister tak ada umah. Oklah. Tapi dia a bit kayu. mcm anak mami sikit. kesian dia kena jalan kaki dari LRT to my house. Tapi aku drove him back later to lrt.

Then, went out on a date with M, budak Putrajaya Precinct 9 kat Pavilion. Dia bi. So, aku mcm tak berapa nak layan coz bagi aku, org bi ni tak leh buat decision or simply confused. prinsip aku senang aje, you are either gay or straight. no in between. sama gak spt life, you either choose to do A or B. no such thing as do both. It's like u either go to heaven or hell. No tengah2. Boleh gitu? I dun think so.

Melilau 3

30 July
Jumpa Z kat Shah Alam Section 2. Z ni ok. Cute gak. anak ikan. dia stay kat klang. But memandangkan aku tak biasa sgt area klang so aku suruh dia jumpa aku kat shah alam. then later aku sent him to klang. he was OK. cukup sifat. lebih kurang tinggi aku. suka main futsal. wow, i'm impressed. sesuai sgt. suka bf yg sporty mcm tu. kitorang dinner kat kedai kopi section 2. dia tak makan. ayoo. diet ke? pas dinner. masa aku masuk keta, dia dah mula buang tebiat. kissing segala. touching my 'thing'. pokoknya, dah ghairah ya amat. so, we went to a dark parking area. dia BJ aku. then, i have to sent him home coz dah 11ish. dlm keta, dia kissed me and kete sebelah nampak kitorang kiss. siap tengok2 kitorang lagi tu. kitorang tergelak aje. Actually, dia stay dkt ngn area umah Amin.

2 Aug
Tgk harry potter dgn Z kat Times Square. i picked him up at KL Sentral. aku hangin sekejap coz dia lambat sampai. pastu punya lah lawak aku tak tau yg aku pakai baju terbalik. nasib baik dia perasan. nasib baik aku masih lagi dlm keta. kalau kat luar, matilah org gelak kat aku. so, masa kat parking kat times square, aku pun tukar kedudukan baju. masa buka baju dlm keta tu nasib baik org tak ada. dia siap peluk aku lagi. dia dah mula ghairah. ayoo. siap gigit my nipple. ewww! too much info.

3 Aug
Aku MC hari ni. Konon2 sakit ler. Sakit tipu... Sempat lagi shag J, mamat Tasik Selatan around 3ish.

Melilau 2

Ni nak cite pasal apa yg aku buat since balik Redang. Aku balik dari Redang on Saturday 25 July. Next day, 26 July, aku ada kuar date ngn A kat Pavilion around 1ish. So, kitorang terus had lunch kat Old Town. Dia ok lah. Putih. Tinggi. very stylo. So, itu yg aku malas pi Pavilion coz i'm not stylish at all. Our conversation was ok lah. He likes traveling. very articulate. masa kitorang tgh makan tu, ada mamat cina ni asyik check us out. Hello!!!! That guy had the nerve to check us out. Dahlah dia kuar dgn some girls and one kid. Bisex ke! I dun do bi guy, ok.

Next day, 27 July, shag dengan T. Jumpa dia kat lrt Bukit jalil. very young anak ikan. 19yo. tu. muka pun baby face lagi. yummy. cuma dia a lil bit hairy waist down. memandangkan katil aku patah so terpaksa buat kat dlm bilik air and on the floor. lepas shag kat bilik air, kitorang just lepak kat living room around 7ish. foreplay ler... tengah foreplay tu. tiba2 terdengar main door punya grill ada org buka. alamak my sister dah balik. nasib baik tak kantoi. kitorang terus sambung kat dlm bilik. another round. then lepak then terus dinner and sent him to the lrt. kitorang makan sate kot kat awan besar. masa kat awan besar tu ada abg2 gayah senja check us out. hellloooooo!

Melilau 1

Sorry guys. Today aku post blog awal sikit. Coz boring gila kat ofis ni. 2 of my officemates tak ada. Jantan tu sakit mata. MC dua hari. Pompuan tu plak ada training 3 hari. Khamis baru balik. Mamat sorang lagi tu busy dgn data analysis dia tu. Ayooo!!!! Aku tak campur sgt dgn bebudak in my team. Tak kuasa nak campur. Big boss, GM, tak ada pulak. So, a lil bit relax today. Rasa mcm nak chow aje post lunch. Tengok wayang ke. have a quickie. melilau. macam tak biasa lah pulak kan.

Speaking of which, sepatutnya aku tengok wayang once a week tapi last week tak tgk apa2 pun. The last was the week before. Harry Potter. Cite dia ok lah. Tak se best previous movies. Mcm ada kureng garam dan gula sikit. Rasa mcm nak tengok The Proposal. I would so do Ryan Reynolds. He's not only hot. Hot body. Tapi funny. Ayooo. Kalau dapat, gerenti tak cari lain. Plus, dah lama tak tengok Sandra Bullock on big screen since Miss Congeniality. She was hilarious in that movie.

And seharusnya G.I.Joe. Channing Tatum is just so hot. He was a former model. He was skinny back then. Tapi i can't get my eyes off him since 'She's the man'. Ayooo. He's juz so yummy i wanna eat him. Then, 'Step Up', the movie was OK lah. But he's got moves. I luv who's got grooves. he can go groovy with me anytime baby. Kalau given a choice between Ryan and Channing, i have to say Ryan kot coz he's funnier than Channing. Sorry Channing. I need a guy yg kelakar juga coz life kena chill. Tak leh serious sangat. So, Ryan can light up my gloomy day anytime. Hehehe!!!!