Bad (err... more like NO) romance!

This is not Lady GaGa's song 'Bad Romance' even if that song has been insanely playing on the radios and on telly. Enough of Gaga and her cuckoo-ness. Anyway, my posting today refers to the never ending tales of romance (if any) that ever occured to me. Well, my romantic life is pretty non existent. I am still pining for the very romantic notion just like any romantic movies. I'm pining to be loved, in love, and loving someone. I'm hoping for that moment to come. But to no avail.

What made me even pissed is that some people can easily find romance. My colleague told me yesterday that his uni friend has just came out to him over the weekend. My friend, A, was so shocked to hear that since that uni friend (let's name him C) is ever the religious type (very the ustaz type) or what A coined 'Budak surau'. C was so alim that A never think that C might be gay. Esp. considering the fact that C is actually not so good looking or in other words, 'ugly'.

To make it even worse, C is now in a uniform workforce here in Malaysia. A profession that every Malaysians is so proud of and well respected. And guess what, C is married to a girl (of course). And..... C has a boyfriend in the same workforce. Both are 'uniform men'. And they are both in love. Madly. Even worst, both are not handsome. What's happening to the world?

Even the butt ugly guys can find a boyfriend and soulmates.
What about me?
What about now?
Hearing his stories, I just wanna puke and made me wonder as to why I can't find love. Do i have the negative vybes that people prefer to stay away from? Or i juz have NO ROMANCE chop all over my forehead.. LOSER maybe...
I wonder....

What's wrong with me?

Actually i dunno what to write. Coz I just dunno what is wrong with me. I think i am luck-less. I'm just so unlucky with love. With my career. Here i am getting older as the day goes by. Not necessarily wiser. The world is so unfair sometimes to people like me. especially me. Some people can easily be loved, in love, with someone who is so sesuai, so padan, so MFEO (made for each other). A picture perfect couple of happiness.

I am surrounded with people i know and strangers with stories of their romance and otherwise handsome, drop dead gorgeous, other half. Am i jealous? Of course i am. Imagine that person is your friends. Your colleagues. Your staff. I can go insane thinking about it. Why not me? Am i so un-dateable? Do i have the ick factor that people dare not to approach me for more than sex? I'm just confused. Seriously confused. seriously. seriously.

I am FUGLY (not FUGLEE) !

Yup. I am proud to say that I am fugly i.e. fucking ugly. At least some guy told me that. What would ur reaction be if someone said to your face that you are? He didn't say to my face but the body language said it all. One thing for sure i love GLEE. Fucking love GLee so much (FUGLEE). It's a reality check. I always know that I am not the hunkiest bunch neither the cutest bunch. I kinda accept the fact that i am ugly.

Can a fugly person be happy? I doubt it. Take me for example. Being a fugly that I am, life is so hard. I'm living thru sadness, downs, the lows, the rejections, the humiliations. Yet i am surviving. Never content. Never fully happy. Never equipped. I'm so 'luluh' rite now. I'm mentally drained with all the lies, the hypocrisy, the constant rejection. But i keep bouncing back. Hoping that i will no longer be deemed as not fugly in someone's eyes.

After all, we are only human. Human with imperfections. Human with flaws. Human with needs. Human with desires. Human with the wanting to love and be loved. I'm not sure whether a fugly deserves a happiness. But one thing for certain, everyone wants to be happy in their life or at any point in their life. I wanna see the light of day as to when will that ray of happiness lights up my otherwise gloomy days.

Dating game... are u game for it?

Dating is so unpredictable. Just like life. So Forrest said 'Life is like a box of chocolate, you will never know what you gonna get.' I went out for a few dates lately. I'm not sure whether the date went out perfect or otherwise. But one thing for certain, my first date with anyone lately is and will always be the last. It's like the world is not siding me again. Maybe the cupid stroke other persons instead of me.

Did I give my date a bad vibe? Are there signals that I didn't see that my date see? Or was it a case of love is so NOT at first sight for me? Did i reveal too much during the date? Have i been so direct and 'in your face' kinda attitude that put my date off? Did i speak too much? Or too little? Or could it be that i' FUGLY to his liking? Or did i have no personality (reminiscing Tyra's during elimination for those ANTM contestant whom she thought lacked personality)? Seriously Tyra, as if you have a good personality.

I'm just puzzled. I had three date since my birthday, 23 Apr 2010. On 26th Apr with H. On 3rd May with K. On 4th May with A. Entahlah. Sometimes benda2 mcm ni you can't expect much. You never know what people think about you. How they judge you etc? Did i bother? I don't. But i'm just wondering. It could be a matter of taste. Or looks? Or personality? or all the above? At 36, i'm still NOT GAME for dating. Or maybe he's just not that into me... God knows.....